Hi, my name is Ang and I am a recovered alcoholic.
I haven't had a drink since 23rd November, 2007.
My childhood as I remember it was mostly a happy and fun time. My parents worked hard to build and pay for a house and some land outside of town. There were times of conflict when frustration and anger would enter the house because of the pressures to make ends meet. As a kid it provoked a lot of fear and resentment within me toward my parents. That fear and resentment lived inside of me for over 20 years, and became the basis of many of my decisions as an adult. That was until I learnt these feelings were the generation of my own selfishness and self-centredness.
It was because of fear that I did not pick up my first drink until the celebration of my graduation from high school. I remember specifically, that warm relaxing feeling that flows through your body right down to your toes, when you take the first sip. It brought a sense of relief and comfort to me.
The celebration found me lying in a tinnie (boat) with my best mate at the time. We were stuck on a sandbank we had run across because it was pitch black at night, drunk on Mississippi Moonshine. And that wasn't a problem as long as we continued to sip the Moonshine. We had almost drunk the bottle when we realised our boat had floated off the bank with the incoming tide. We had a good laugh and continued on our way to whatever mission we were on.
The feeling I got from the very first drink became my obsession and solution to feeling good and comfortable in my own skin for many years to come.
Although not needing alcohol every day, life became quite consistent. Work all week and drink on weekends. $20 could buy a big night with the RSL supplying 50cent nips. This would get me right enough to hit a busy pub or nightclub, where I would attempt to enjoy myself. Hangovers were part of life, and weren't a problem as long as the ability to back-up the following night was sustained.
My nights as the designated driver were long and painful. The Driver wasn't to have any alcohol, so I was never challenged with the allergy to alcohol by having to stop at one or two. It was drink a lot or not at all. These nights I would often be irritable and restless, because I would have to talk to people I didn't like or was uncomfortable with. But I found no problem talking to them when I had been drinking.
I worked a couple of jobs by the time I was 21 and lived a seemingly happy life. The resentment and anger that had driven me for so long began to suffocate me. No matter how much I drank or what drugs I had, the helplessness and unmanageability of my life was encompassing my being.
Not long after my 21st birthday, a close friend committed suicide. On that very night, I had been thinking the same thing but was so drunk I passed out beforehand. My friend had post-natal depression. I had a spiritual malady.
My lack of understanding of her condition (and of mine) absorbed my thoughts and actions. My selfishness consumed my life with guilt, anger and resentment. I drank to numb the pain. I hated my job. I hated my family. I hated my friends. I hated the tree in the front yard! My life became unbearable.
So I did the most logical thing I could think of at the time...I moved town! I changed jobs. I stopped calling friends. By this time I was drinking and drugging myself every day, to numb my restless, irritable and discontented state.
The change did bring me some relief for a while. I met my husband and achieved well at work. I eased my drinking and gave up smoking.
Many years passed with consistent drinking and at this stage I still wasn't aware of my spiritual malady and my allergy to alcohol. My life, alcohol and my spiritual malady all seemed to work in ok together! It was hard work! But it was working...wasn't it?
I became pregnant with my daughter and didn't touch a drink for nine months...at the time I didn't think it had worried me...until I had that first drink 18 months after she was born. From that moment, I drank excessively and consistently, until my patient husband told me I had to get some help.
I remember at the time thinking, how unfortunate it was that I couldn't balance looking after my daughter and finding a suitable time to be wiped out on Johnny Walker.
I tried time and time again to have a couple and stop, but the next morning when I opened my eyes and didn't remember how I had got to bed, it was evident I wasn't just a hard drinker...I was an alcoholic.
So the morning after another blackout from Vodka, I made an appointment to see a doctor...any doctor, it didn't matter which doctor, I just had to get help and get it now.
I realise now that God was with me that day, when the only doctor I could get into (although I didn't know it at the time) was a member of the Primary Purpose Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. He gave me a card and told me I needed to be at that next meeting that night. My first meeting I learned that I had an allergy to Alcohol and if I picked up the first drink my body would crave it. It was suggested I begin the 12 steps and never touch another drop of alcohol again.
I convinced myself I didn't need to go back. I told myself I could stop if I wanted to. I just had to work hard not to drink when I'm alone or angry...or frustrated or sad or ....the list went on! I'll only drink beer. I'll only buy a small bottle of vodka...
But nothing worked. I am an alcoholic.
My final encounter with the booze saw me hit a post with the side of my car, pick up my daughter from day-care and drive home. My husband gave me two choices...get help (and no more drinking) or leave (drink). In reality my choice was...to never pick up another drink or die. I woke the next day not knowing what I was doing or what I was to do. I was confused as to how my life had come to this. I was no longer in control of my life. My selfishness had encompassed my actions and my thoughts.
I walked back in the primary purpose group and started to work the steps rapidly with my Sponsor. The first step was to be a major step for me, to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I was done with alcohol. And it proved to be a stumbling block 2 months later when I took a swig of a bottle I stumbled across, that was previously hidden and I had forgotten was there.
The guilt and disappointment I felt brought me back to the last time I had drunk. My Sponsor was stern but understanding and I was back at step one again. I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable.
I am still working through my amends and speak to my Sponsor every day so that she can guide me through my wrongdoings, selfishness and spiritual mindedness. I pray every morning and evening for guidance, strength and courage to carry the message to another alcoholic. My family and my life have never been better. I have a calmness now that has replaced the irritable, restless and unhappy self that was suffocating me.
I am lucky and thank God every day for showing me the way.
My wish is that every alcoholic can be blessed with this wonderful gift to find a primary purpose group and work the steps rapidly. God is with me always now and I leave my life in His hands to seek out the next alcoholic and carry this beautiful message to them. God Bless.