My name is Jenny F. and I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic.
For as long as I can remember I was always trying to run my show.
When I was four I decided I needed to go to Kindergarten and my mother didn't think I was old enough, so I enrolled myself
When I was five, I decided I wanted to learn the Piano, Mum again thought I was too young, so once again I enrolled myself. The teacher thought someone so little with that much determination could probably start despite her usual enrolment rule of 7 or over.
And so it was for me, I continued trying to arrange life to suit myself, I clearly remember my mother saying to me as a little girl, "You know Jennifer the world doesn't revolve around you!" I remember thinking "Why the hell not - it should!"
Despite having everything I ever wanted and trying to make things go my way, things just weren't right, I was never satisfied, another one of my Mums catch phrases. I always remember feeling anxious, never good enough and an outsider in social situations. I always compared myself to everyone else and I never measured up.
I hated myself.
I took my first drink when I was 13 years old. I don't know what it tasted like, but I loved the effect.
I remember an awesome feeling of elation, a sense of ease, a feeling of self confidence. I actually felt OK,
good enough, comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life! I blacked out and really don't know much
about what happened that evening, all I know is it was to be the first of many.
The next morning was my first experience of the remorse and shame that comes after an evening when you have lost the
power of control and choice in drink - a concept that I would not understand until many years later. Deep down inside,
I must have sensed the power in this stuff. In fact, at this time alcohol scared me as I had seen what it was doing in
my own family. I actually hated it - so I thought.
By my late teens I had decided that my life was so crappy and that alcohol wasn't so scary, that I might as well just enjoy the stuff and the sense of release it gave me - "You're here for a good time, not a long time" Right?
So through my late teens and into my early 20's, my life was a series of endless drunken parties, nightclub's, bad sexual encounters, black outs, shit and misery. I convinced myself I was having fun, just like everybody else! You know though, deep down inside, that this is not normal, that this is a problem. But you just keep drinking, hoping you're wrong. I hoped that the counselors & psychologists I frequented might have the answers to my problems - they didn't and I never told them the truth anyway.
My drinking hit its straps in my first marriage, when I realized that, despite my best efforts to run the show, it was not going to be. I was 24 and full of hope; it seemed I had married well. My husband was the eldest son, of a wealthy farmer, we were provided with our home, he was working the farm and I was completing a degree in Agricultural Science.
I thought that at last I could create what I had never experienced; the perfect marriage, a happy home life with lots of children running around the farm and live happily ever after. Ironically, in the early days, most of our arguments were over my husband drinking. He loved a beer, loved a good time and was always the life of the party. He enjoyed a couple of drinks after a hard day's work and began home brewing for a hobby. I was petrified I had married my father and he would be furious when ever I compared them. After a year of fighting him, I thought what the hell, why not join him!
This seemed to work well for a while until my drinking became much heavier than his. My "happily ever after" began to collapse around me. He was not interested in my helpful scientific advice regarding the farm. He had other ideas about how a good farm wife should behave and I wasn't co-operating, and he did not want to have children while our relationship was so unstable. I had no money, no say, no life - but I had alcohol!
We battled on for the next 7 years. During our marriage I made a few attempts at controlling my drinking, naturally I failed every time. I saw a Drug and Alcohol Counselor to no effect. We saw a Marriage Guidance Counselor which made things worse. In the end I knew alcohol was my problem, I just didn't want to admit I was powerless over it.
Inevitably we divorced, but not before, the abuse, the violence, the affairs, and the complete and utter breakdown of our lives. I was 31 years old; I had no partner, no possessions, and a career I was just clinging onto. I felt as if I had nothing left, physically or emotionally. I was unhealthy and looked a wreck; I was lonely, empty, desperate for love and acceptance; longing for children and a normal life. My self esteem and sense of self worth were shot. I felt I had no future and no hope.
I knew I was in real trouble when I was in my next relationship, with the most amazing man I have ever met (he is now my husband). We were so happy, I really didn't have a care in the world, life was looking good but I still could not stop drinking. At first he had a few drinks with me, but as my drinking progressed, he just sat there watching me wondering what the hell was going on. He would reluctantly get me more alcohol when I thought I was going to run out and I was too drunk to get it myself. In the end he stopped fighting me as he just couldn't be bothered with the tantrums if he said no.
I couldn't believe what I was doing, I knew from experience what alcohol had done to my life in the past, yet here I was, with this amazing man drinking, fighting, and blacking out. The difference this time was that there were no excuses. It was down to me, and for the first time I couldn't ignore that reality. The old battle to control my show and my drinking began again. Same result, not a chance in hell!
After a string of broken promises, misery and shame, it was off to my Aunt's who was a nurse and had helped her brother withdraw from heroin. She confiscated my wallet and car keys, set the rules and loved me unconditionally. Something I will be forever grateful for. When I felt strong enough, I made a decision not to drink for 12 months.
It was tough but I made it - 1 year without alcohol. During that time I had remarried and was pregnant with our first child. We went out to celebrate one year sober. I couldn't believe how easy it would be for me to just pick up a drink, and it scared me. Somehow I just knew I wasn't safe. I needed a harder test so I decided I had better make it five years of not drinking just to be really sure I wasn't an alcoholic. He seemed relieved.
Over the next few years through a combination of pregnancy, breast feeding and sheer will power, I somehow managed to stop drinking. But I was so unhappy, angry, discontent, and restless. The only thing different about my life now was that I wasn't drinking - I thought I might as well start again if this was what life was going to be like. I so wanted that sense of ease and comfort that alcohol gave me.
Full of fear I rang AA and found a meeting in my area. I reluctantly entered the room and listened as people shared their stories. I could identify and felt like I was in the right place and I was ready to get this thing! I kept going to meetings, I asked about the 12 Steps hanging on the walls, about sponsorship and what I needed to do. The response; slow down, take it easy, just don't drink and come to meetings. So I did what I was told, for I had a little hope, but I was also confused by the mixed messages, myths and meeting politics.
Eventually it happened, my bust, 5 weeks off 5 years sober. I was devastated and for the next 3 years it was
just a series of busts! Each time I went on a spree, my drinking got heavier. It took more and more to get me
there. I could no longer guarantee my behaviour. Particularly distressing to me was my sexual misconduct - I would
think it couldn't possibly get any worse, but each time it led me to darker and darker places. I desperately craved
oblivion. I had indeed "lost the power of choice in drink."
I did the usual external search desperate to find the "cure" for my internal pain and fear.
I tried:
None of it worked. Unfortunately for me and many others in my life I had not tried THE SOLUTION! - as precisely laid out in The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous!
So eventually, after an urgent call, my husband returned home to find me in a truly pathetic state; this was it for me, do or die. I could not live one more moment of this double life with the lies, torment, guilt, and shame. I knew at this moment I could and probably should, lose everything, but I felt I had no life and no future anyway. I had to expose myself for what I really was and what I had done. He insisted I get help.
The only place I knew to go was back to AA. This time though, through a series of miracles, the message of recovery was carried to me by a member before I attended my first meeting.
When I did attend, it was unrecognizable as a meeting of AA. Firstly, they made sure I had the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, the basic text for the society. I was asked questions and provided with lots of answers, according to the Big Book, that is!
I was told to read the Big Book, to find my own truth, to fully concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic - the first step in recovery. I needed to understand that I would not be able to drink again; and left to my own devices, I would pick up another drink or end up killing myself. The group made it clear to me that "many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person"; I certainly didn't see myself that way. I saw myself, as many wrongly conclude, as having weak will, a low moral character, or as just plain sinful. But finally, with the group's experience and knowledge, I was able to admit to myself that I was suffering from untreated alcoholism.
For the first time I heard about THE SOLUTION - to accept the plan outlined in the Big Book. If I wanted what they had, I had to do what they did!
I was told all I needed to begin the program of action that would change my life forever, was willingness and honesty. At last I knew, deep inside, the grave nature of my situation. So I took the steps - rapidly! As the Big Book says I should take the steps "with the desperation of a drowning man."
In a boarding lounge at the Brisbane Airport, I revisited Steps 1 and 2, and holding my sponsor's hands took the Step 3 prayer - I was on my way! My walk to a new freedom and a new happiness had begun. In a matter of weeks, as a result of taking the rest of the 12 steps, I had experienced a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. The obsession to drink had been removed!
As a recovered alcoholic, I have a feeling of great relief knowing that I don't have to run my own life anymore. I know that God is running my show and as a direct result of that I have numerous blessings. I feel blessed by my experience of a spiritual awakening that has transformed my thoughts and actions - something that I truly didn't think was possible. Humility has replaced ego
I now understand that nothing in my external world will get rid of my internal discomfort. Today, due to my Higher Power, I am no longer harboring that hurt little girl inside, searching for love, longing to be normal and have a normal life. For as long as I can remember, I just wanted the feeling of contentment, serenity, peace, and to be loved. Today I have that. I am now comfortable in my own skin.
In my recovery I have found something precious, something that has been described as being better than gold. The Big Book tells me to mine it for the rest of my life and insist on giving away the entire product; as recovery is one of those things where we need to give it away, to keep it!
It is my experience that it is essential that a newcomer decides for themselves if they want to do the program. If someone is to find God and experience recovery the "desire must come from within." It was so with me.
The Spiritual life of the recovered alcoholic is not a theory. I have to live it precisely as it is described in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous (1939). If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths, then join us as we "trudge the road to happy destiny".